Kind of Disturbing

I think Cleopatra just ate something nasty.

Lisa Writes for AOL

I'm a hustler, baby!
I just want you to know.
It's not where I've been,
but where I'm 'bout to go..."

Seriously, not to toot my own horn, but yeah, I'm about to go on 'head and toot it. One of my most recent on-the-side writing gigs was to do some snarky photo commentary for AOL Music's feature, "The Glamorous Life of..." featuring various musical artists.

I recently did the series for "The Glamorous Life of Christina Aguilera," and wanted to share it with y'all.

Some Good, Wholesome Internet Nonsense

It's not so much that the infamous former figure skater, Tonya Harding, has her own website. That's to be expected.

It's more that she has a section on the site dedicated to sexual fantasies her "fans" have written about her. According to the site, there are 1532 fantasies posted to date.

You MUST promise me to read at least one. Bonus points for anyone who actually bothers to write one.

Sporting the mom jeans and the crispy perm, Tonya is definitely one classy lady.

Sexy, No?

So, I recently got a friend request from one Ms. Tila Tequila, but I don't know if I'm interested in adding her, mostly cause I have a policy of not adding anyone I don't actually know. But, when I clicked on her request to see who it was, I noticed this chick in her top 8.

I love this picture so much. It's moderately bad enough to almost actually be good, except that it's like this sexy cat who looks like she lives on a farm. If it were a porn, the gist might be that she's a horny pussy who happens to live on a dairy farm and whose sexual frustration is amplified by the fact that she's surrounded by nothing but Moo Cows who just sit and complain about how sore their teats are from all the milking.

At night, she sneaks out and has wild, passionnate sex with a guy in a Wolverine costume, only she meant for him to get a more convincing-looking one, but this is the only one the prop master had the budget for and it actually ends up being very effective since both of their costumes are made out of such flimsy plastic that they pretty much dissolve once they start dry-humping each other.

Additionally, I'd like to point out that I originally thought she was using a cane to prop herself up into that pelvis-jutting-out-to-the-side stance she has going on there, until I realized it was actually nunchucks.

Celebrities in Pictures

MSN.com's Feature, this week in photos had some really great pix of celebs in and around the Halloween season. Check it.

First off, there's Rachel Weisz at a Halloween bash, looking like a super-serious, if not somewhat confused Minnie Mouse. I love how she looks like she's giving sexy-face for a perfume ad or something.

Perhaps these mouse ears are the latest from Burberry's very fashionable headwear collection for the fall. I also love that there's nothing about her make-up that would indicate that she is wearing a costume. I hope that from the neck down, she's dressed in a Valentino ball-gown.

Her gentle confusion is also quite adorable. As if maybe she hadn't actually planned on wearing a costume of any sort, and someone secretly placed those ears on her as she was walking out her door as a sort of prank. "Why is everyone calling me Minnie?" her expression seems to say.

And here we have a side-by-side comparison of beach bunny, Pamela Anderson and the ever-incorrigible, Courtney Love. Now, Courtney seems to be looking mad normal these days, what with her titties concealed and her hair not looking like she styled it with Elmer's glue and/or hobo cum. However, Pam, I might add, is looking a little bit worn around the edges. And in a strange twist of fate, it seems Pam's looks have degraded at the same rate at which Courtney's seem to be mildly improving so that they appear to have almost reached the same level of attractiveness.

Why do I love this picture so much, you may ask? Because this was taken the day AFTER Halloween and Grace Jones is still rocking the Grace Jones costume. Seriously, the woman probably just goes as herself every year. Why the fuck would you bother getting a costume if THIS is the kind of stuff you wear on a daily basis. God, I love you, you crazy bitch.


And my final selection from this batch of pix is this one of Shakira, receiving her Latin Grammy while laughing her ass off. I love Shakira and I think that she is indeed very sexy, but you got to admit the woman laughs like a humongous dork. Endearing though it is, it's a bit Celine Dion-ish.

Even Marc Anthony is looking at the audience like, "Heh. This is a little awkward. I mean, that joke wasn't really that funny--I was just trying to get her to relax and not think about all these people on stage. But now, she's laughing like someone at the dinner table just sharted AND accidentally shot milk out their nose at the exact same time."

Kristie Alley Bikinis It Up on Oprah

In a scenario fitting of my most horrific personal nightmare, Kristie Alley actually had the balls to keep her promise to Oprah and appear on the hit daytime talk show, sporting a bikini as well as a much more svelte bod than the one she was rocking during her "Fat Actress" days.

Kudos, chica! Here's to a bitch rocking stilettos, ho!

Employee of the Month Strikes Again!

For those of you in the L.A. area, please save the date for Employee of the Month's upcoming performance. We're going to be celebrating the comedy of Studio 60, by performing their sketches as we would like to imagine they would have been written and performed in their entirety.

WHEN?
Friday, November 17th @ 8PM

WHERE?
The Westside Eclectic in Santa Monica.
1323-A 3rd Street
Santa Monica

Please, please, please come and check out this show. It's probably going to be a one-time performance and we're worried Studio 60 will get cancelled before we get a chance to do something this fun again!

Gwen Stefani in Studio - "Wind It Up"

How much do I love Gwen Stefani? It's really hard to say. Especially after I watched this little webisode of her in the studio working on her most recent single, "Wind It Up." She is so adorable, beaming her face off, as she carries her little baby boy around, clearly happy out of her mind that she is a mommy. So cute.


Also, I don't recognize that other guy in the studio with her and Pharell, but am I crazy, or does he totally look like a young Tim Robbins?

For some reason, I just love hearing her talk. Plus, her hair's always fucking great. So, I invite you to enjoy the Stefani wholesome goodness along with me.

I think you can watch more webisodes (they seem to be adding more of them as time goes on) if you click here.

Got An Olive Problem?

If you're anything like my friend, Wayne, then your love of filthy martinis has left you with jars of olives in your fridge, just sitting there, juiceless and lonely.

So, I endeavored to find a recipe to solve this problem. And it came, courtesy of Food Network.

Enjoy!

GREEN OLIVE TAPENADE
Recipe courtesy Pilar Sanchez
2 cups Spanish green olives
2 tablespoons capers
7 fresh Spanish marinated anchovy fillets
1 teaspoon lemon zest
1 teaspoon finely chopped parsley
1/2 cup olive oil

Put all ingredients except olive oil in food processor and pulse until thoroughly pureed. Add olive oil and pulse until incorporated. It says it should take about 12 minutes to make.

And for those of you not interested in the fishy flavor, I have a feeling that the anchovy fillets are optional.

Oh yes.

It's like looking into a beautiful, all-too familiar mirror comprised of a collage of all the best aspects of this million dollar visage.

Want to see what famous celebs you resemble? Then have some fun over at MyHeritage.com.

Yum. Jelly-cheese sandwich.

What makes a Lisa happier than a delicious snack? That's right, getting a shout-out, interview-style.

In a recent interview with Associated Content, I got to wax poetic about blogging. Check it out:

While the cliche of the bored and frustrated office worker is pretty well worn territory (mostly by the great movie "Office Space"), there are a few sources that still present a fresh voice for those laboring at the copy machine and the multi-line phone. One such source is the blog "Office Monkey" (http://being_lisa_t.blogspot.com/), which criticizes the foibles of pop culture icons on behalf of young office workers nationwide...

For the rest, click here.